Feel the life

Its the way to express yourself…

Scene in the hospital

babyback1.jpg

I am born with the blank feeling in my mind…this is my 1st day; I am finally in this world. Don’t ask me about my past, don’t ask me how I was dead in my last living, how many years I lived then, how may be my wife, my children, my mother, my father, my lovable sibling… please I don’t know. I can only breathe… because this is what I know…

Wait I a moment, my peace is disturb by the noises around… what’s mumbling? Every time I get disturbed, a smoothing hand touches me…n suddenly, unknowingly it calms me again at peace. Next time when I woke up again due to the movements here and there around me, I searched for those hands again to feel the calmness. Not finding it, I could feel the tears coming out of my eyes… no sooner I sensed the air blew on my forehead and those hands touching my nose and a small affection on my cheeks…and my skin went back to sleep.ohh god… is that a MOTHER?

Some moments later, I felt the uneasiness with the some unfamiliar hard hands; those pick me up and took me close to the hearts.  Yes, I heard it, I heard the heartbeats, I felt the feeling of happiness in that heart, person felt like a god holding me close to the heart, I loved the moment, and I want to be in that heart. I felt like I am a part of it. Ohh god… is that a FATHER?

Some old hands came running towards me, touched my head, kissed on my forehead and she did pressed her finger on my left cheek as everyone in the room expected her to do so,, doing so she convinced everyone saying “kissi ki nazar na lagg jaye, isliye kala tikka” ..(Ohh I m born in India?)  Heyy that was my first makeup :-) … god… is she my grandmother?

Its time for me to cry again, even louder this time… the hardest voice in of the room, is coming near to greet me. Aaaaaaahhhhh… what kind of smell was coming out of his mouth… what’s that he always keep chewing…. does this person have anything to do with me. Just holding me for the sake of doing it? Help….Take me away from him… papa… maaaaaaa :(( oopppsss finally I escaped from him… Goddddddddd… is he Grandfather?

Wait… someone is near this time, with her small hands touching my hand, trying to hold my hands… touching my legs , my head , my sleeping eyes , she is trying to hold me in her hands , trying to pick me up.. Aahhhh… feel sorry because I m feeling the pain, this is not the right art to pick me up… Mom why are you scolding her… she is small, just like my hands…heyyy why are you running away… wait… I want you to try once again holding me in your arms in a right way… Can someone help her to pick me up in her arms … can someone please… hello…. did I missed her… don’t run away…I love you… I know you are innocent… godddddddddddddddddddddd is she my Sister?

Heyy now I have a smile on my face… this person is nearing me. Mom says kiss me… he kisses me… Papa says hold me… he holds me… Others says play with me… he dances around and plays with me… HmmI am liking it… is he really happy for my existence? When everyone took off their eyes from me… this boy come near me… I smiled at him :-)… now I knew he will do something he wants to… no orders from elders… its time now… Yes do something… ahhhh…. woooooooaaaaaa wooaaaa he pinched me and ran away… Mom tell him I am not here to share his belongings… god… is he my Brother?

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)  

Everyone is happy seeing me as a part of them… I don’t know my feelings… as I said I can only breathe because this is what I can do and nothing.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Some problem… The only thing I  knew doing, now I wasn’t able to do properly, my mother screamed when she found out some problem in my breathing. My worried dad kept his face tensed and paused, my grandma is crying, my grandpaa is breathing hard, my sister is crying innocently, my brother is lost about what’s happening… I can smell some uneasiness in the room, all watching me… and me counting my breath.

Doctors, nurse came running… new machines where introduced to keep me alive. Just do something guys… I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Why those six happy introductory characters seems like strangers to me now… they need me… I need them… can you help me doctors? Just help me breathe… please.

What’s happenings can somebody tell me… why am I hearing those cries… even louder as my breath is getting slower… god what do u want?

Bring me some air… open the room, break the walls… mama papa if this not possible… please buy some air for me… I want to breathe… somebody do something fast… I m loosing my comfortably… I am loosing my senses… I am loosing myself…

I………………………………… (??????) ……… ??? ……………………………………………………..

 I can’t breathe… I can’t intepretate… I don’t know god… I don’t know whether this is called DEATH … there’s nothing around me … it’s my DEATH…

I really don’t know for what I died, but now I know I died. I don’t know the disease , I don’t know the cause , God I don’t know the purpose .. But I know I died. 

I never saw the world; I was born on the same day. I never opened my eyes, I never saw my loving MOTHER , my affectionate FATHER , my caring GRANDMOTHER, my laughing GRANDFATHER , my innocent SISTER and my handsome BROTHER.

I want to sleep in my mothers lap, I want to cry in my fathers arms, I want to hear those stories from my grandmother , I want to follow the advices of my grandfather, I want to know whom my sister will get married :-) , I want to know the responsibilities that my brother carried…

 

But…. I was born and dead…the very same day dear 

February 16, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 33 Comments

Alone..

You always must have heaAlone…rd people saying  “You are not alone” (in this world).. I have a different saying to this , no matter how many people you can see around, see them, sense their presences.. but internally thers always somthing that you keep feeling the “lacking & lagging” part around you.

Ask yourself, who is your best friend? , who can understand you better than anyone else ? , who can hurt your ego at the core ? , who makes you a looser at times ? who matches your ego , and makes you feel at the top of the world? who keeps on motivating you ,to keep breathing and provides you with the hope for the great times ?who makes you perfect to value the advices and build on them? who is the person one always accompanying you in your bad and good times ? who is the person ,who raises you high in your bad phase of life ?Who provides you the Love? Who is the only “who” can be?
Ahem Ahem.. isnt the answer “YOU” ?

If the answer for the above question is “YOU” , dont you find others as a sort of alike-aliens who enjoy their life in the different world but shares the common air along with you? Isnt after realising this,these like-aliens masses makes you feel that you are alone in this world? :O

Agreed the fact we all have mother,father,siblings or girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) ,which gives you the chance to be the part of the alike-alien world, but “heyy reader” why is that you still have a void() feeling in your heart at times… why is that your heart always want to be aside a loving one.. the moment you go through this feeling you know that..you are alone.

“YOU” are not brave enough to avoid the fear that you have for youself.. I mean to say at times the self-lover(you-lover) tried to run away from “you”rself … cant belive? Be alone and close the light of the room.. throw everyone out of the house.. let the silence prevail (or.. take “you”rself  to the unkown place when there is no light in the sky).. feeling alone? Are “you” thinking something which is making “you” feel uncomfortable?Are you thinking of black thoughts where you can see those black and white ghosts(they exists or not who cares) flashing in your eye? Are you trying to hear a Air in you room?Did you hear anything or did you not (?) , not sure? Are “you” running away from “you”rself? …shuss.. no more comments.

The only thing that accompy you at times is .. “you”r own shadow, heyy but yes go in the darkness..hahaha.. u r again left alone .

You are always alone……….and thats makes your Identity

February 1, 2008 Posted by | Anti- thoughts | 37 Comments

? Who Am I ? – seeing the image , the following thoughts prevails

?Who Am i?Coming all along the path, which I never dared to walk upon; expecting the touch of belonging from the lovable admirer who knows me well(or should I say.. expecting that stranger to show sense of belonging) .. I left my identity in the hands of the admire thinking it to be eternally safe .

The real steel of the person stands in the storm, many questions prevailed my mind , only left unanswered from my admirer . And finally I asked myself , why on the earth I EXIST .. who I am , where do I come from , where I go from here , Is there hope left in me??? My personality went on moulding the way it heated my thoughts .. Why I aint made of steel?

I donno how people bear a smile the whole day on their face , how ther maintain a good rappo with friends, how they spend the difficult days of their life , how they make themself ready for the biggest challenge in life ” tommorow” , how they forgot the things which went bad “yesterday” , how they handle the cheaters who passed by them “today” . Why are these people not concerned about themself , how can they ignore the small things when they ought to give their best..still be a looser. How can they neglect?

Forget about others , I find different personalities floating in myself . When felt bad , I console myself .. When happy, I share a drink with myself.. when angry ,I hurt myself .. when calm , I sleep well .. when lovable..I think of her . Still theres the two masters who resides in me.. one supports me .. and the one negates me. And the poor third person me myself always reads from those two masters only to get confused and screw my life. Why this two masters are not constructive force to me, why they dont want me to develop as a good individual, why are they trying to suppress my limitless power and engry to achieve somthing . is their any way to tame them?

I stand in front of the mirror to find the reflection of myself .. and with the emotions in my eyes I still ask it… “WHO AM I”?

February 1, 2008 Posted by | Thoughts | 12 Comments